When Someone Is Grieving After a Death…. What Are Their Needs?

Here are the words of those who have 'been there' :

Don’t be afraid to say the name of the person who has died. They were very important to me. So was their life, and the memories I have of it. I need to hear their name sometimes.

Don’t expect me to grieve the way you do, or the way you think I should. Let me grieve in my own way, because how we experience grief is an individual as our fingerprints. We’re all different.

If I cry or get emotional when we talk about the person, it isn’t because you’ve hurt me. It’s because they’ve died. It’s a really painful time. If you allow me to cry, I’m grateful. Crying and expressing my emotions helps me.

If I can’t cry don’t make me feel bad about that either. We’re all different. I might choose to express my feelings in other ways, or very privately.

Don’t let the person die again by taking away photos of him/her or other remembrances from your home. Or by never referring to him/her when you talk about things. That makes it seem like they’ve never lived, or that I should feel ashamed of them or embarrassed by the fact that they’ve died.

I will have emotional ups and downs. Don’t think that if I have a good day my grief must be over, or if I have a bad day that I suddenly need psychiatric counselling.

Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so don’t stay away from me.

All the grief reactions I’m having are very normal, even if they might seem a bit crazy at times. Deep sadness, numbness, anger, frustration, distress, anxiety, confusion, guilt, hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are the sorts of feelings to be expected following the death of someone close.

Don’t expect my grief to be over in weeks or months. Grief is a process I must go through and in my own time. It will take as long as it needs to take.

Please understand that reaction to grief might be physical. I might gain or lose weight, sleep a lot or very little, be accident prone, be more likely to become ill, or experience aching. All of these sorts of things are commonly a part of grief. They are very real.

My loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of his/her death and special holidays are likely to be terrible times for me. Perhaps you could tell me that you’re thinking of them on these days. And if I get quiet and withdrawn just know that I am thinking about them too and don’t try to make me be cheerful. Just let me feel what I feel. It’s a natural part of my grief journey.

It may be a while before I’m ready for social occasions such as parties, but please don’t stop asking.

Understand that experiencing grief changes people. When someone close to you dies, you often see the world differently, and learn a lot about yourself and about others. I’m just not exactly the same person I was before my loved one died. I will never be able to be that person again, because I’ve grown and learned things inside. If you keep waiting for me to ‘get back to my old self’, you will just keep being frustrated!

Take time to get alongside me in the days ahead and get to know me in new ways. I’m getting to know myself in new ways too!

What would you say grief reminded you of?

Grief is such a big experience for most people - what can we say it is like? Here are a few images some people have suggested. They help explain some important things about grief:

Grief is like your fingerprint. Your experience of it will be unique and personal to you. No one’s grief is exactly like yours. You can grieve in ways that suit you and who you are.

Grief is like being hit by big waves. They toss you around, turn your life upside down and dump you on the beach. Just as you try to catch a breath you’re swept up again. You fight to find which way is up. Gradually you realise there are a few more minutes between waves. One day you find yourself sitting on the beach drying out, with the waves some distance away. You’ve forgotten how good the sun feels. Then a random wave hits and you are right back in the rough sea again. Except it’s not quite the same and you find yourself landing higher up on the beach. As time goes by the waves toss you round less and less. Gradually you come to recognise that there’s always the chance of a random wave. But now you know you won’t drown.

Grief is like a river. You’re caught in its current, hit with waves of pain and emotion. Sometimes it becomes quiet and you drift, then you can find yourself crashing against rocks that hurt and whirlpools that confuse and overwhelm you. You feel you have no power to get to the bank but find yourself there sometimes. You can rest a while until you’re swept off once more, towards who knows what?

Grief is like a cloud. It rarely stays the same shape for long. It’s always on the move and changing shape – sometimes so slowly you hardly notice .Grief is like this. In the big picture our grief can seem like it’s not moving - like it’s always the same. But when we look more closely we can get a glimpse of how it is changing – slowly, in different places, bit by bit. Take a look up at a big cloud and watch a part of it closely. See how it edges this way or that. Sometimes it blocks the sun. Other times it lets sun through…

Grief is like an onion. As I grieve another layer of onion peels back and exposes new parts of myself and my pain. With each new layer there are tears. But also personal insights.

Grief is like a journey. It takes you down a road you haven’t travelled before – though you may have been on similar ones. You’re not sure of your destination and as you go along the road you face ups and downs, straights and corners, surprises and monotony. You become weary but you also - occasionally – get to see some amazing views. It’s great if you can find company, friends to help you carry your baggage sometimes or to chat with or share the scenery as you go. One day you realise just how far you’ve come.

See http://www.skylight.org.nz/media/15119/grief%20is.pdf for some more interesting images that people have suggested, which sum up for them what grief can be like.

Maybe you can post some of your own ideas?

What is Grief Anyway?

Grief?

It starts with change....and loss.

Change is a normal part of life for everyone – whatever our age. It comes along in all sizes and for lots of reasons.

Some changes can be positive ones and we’re glad they’ve happened. They can improve life for us. Other changes can go by and we hardly even notice them or how they affect us.

But some changes can be really tough. They can mean we end up with situations that we don’t want. They can mean we lose something or someone, or lose having things the way we’re used to them being. This kind of loss can turn our lives upside down, stress us and take lots of getting used to.

Children and young people often find difficult change like this especially confusing, unsettling and scary. They can do with all the support and understanding they can get – especially when the changes and losses prove hard for them to adjust to. It could be all kinds of life situations.

The thoughts, feelings and reactions we experience when we’re faced with change and loss - whatever our age - are known as...grief.

Grief reactions are the ways we express the feelings and thoughts we have that a change or loss can cause. Grief is a natural, normal human response. It’s also the way we gradually adjust our lives to the reality of what’s happened – whatever that might be.

Everyone grieves differently. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to experience grief. There’s no secret ‘method’ that will take your grief instantly away. There are no ‘rules’. There is no set timetable. Grief isn’t a test. Grief isn’t a race or a competition.

And while it might be hard to believe, it does slowly get easier to handle.

What helped you most when you were grieving a loss?