When Someone Is Grieving After a Death…. What Are Their Needs?

Here are the words of those who have 'been there' :

Don’t be afraid to say the name of the person who has died. They were very important to me. So was their life, and the memories I have of it. I need to hear their name sometimes.

Don’t expect me to grieve the way you do, or the way you think I should. Let me grieve in my own way, because how we experience grief is an individual as our fingerprints. We’re all different.

If I cry or get emotional when we talk about the person, it isn’t because you’ve hurt me. It’s because they’ve died. It’s a really painful time. If you allow me to cry, I’m grateful. Crying and expressing my emotions helps me.

If I can’t cry don’t make me feel bad about that either. We’re all different. I might choose to express my feelings in other ways, or very privately.

Don’t let the person die again by taking away photos of him/her or other remembrances from your home. Or by never referring to him/her when you talk about things. That makes it seem like they’ve never lived, or that I should feel ashamed of them or embarrassed by the fact that they’ve died.

I will have emotional ups and downs. Don’t think that if I have a good day my grief must be over, or if I have a bad day that I suddenly need psychiatric counselling.

Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so don’t stay away from me.

All the grief reactions I’m having are very normal, even if they might seem a bit crazy at times. Deep sadness, numbness, anger, frustration, distress, anxiety, confusion, guilt, hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are the sorts of feelings to be expected following the death of someone close.

Don’t expect my grief to be over in weeks or months. Grief is a process I must go through and in my own time. It will take as long as it needs to take.

Please understand that reaction to grief might be physical. I might gain or lose weight, sleep a lot or very little, be accident prone, be more likely to become ill, or experience aching. All of these sorts of things are commonly a part of grief. They are very real.

My loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of his/her death and special holidays are likely to be terrible times for me. Perhaps you could tell me that you’re thinking of them on these days. And if I get quiet and withdrawn just know that I am thinking about them too and don’t try to make me be cheerful. Just let me feel what I feel. It’s a natural part of my grief journey.

It may be a while before I’m ready for social occasions such as parties, but please don’t stop asking.

Understand that experiencing grief changes people. When someone close to you dies, you often see the world differently, and learn a lot about yourself and about others. I’m just not exactly the same person I was before my loved one died. I will never be able to be that person again, because I’ve grown and learned things inside. If you keep waiting for me to ‘get back to my old self’, you will just keep being frustrated!

Take time to get alongside me in the days ahead and get to know me in new ways. I’m getting to know myself in new ways too!